My Family Group Chat was Usurped!
Dear Em and Lil,
My mom's family, my mom, and I all live in different countries. We don't see each other often but we talk throughout the day over Whatsapp. I used to chat with my mom's family infrequently (a message or two every second week or so) but recently my mom asked that we more often include her cousin and sister in the loop because they don't have many contacts/friends otherwise. Em and Lil, these are difficult women. My aunt is sweet and well meaning, but she is opinionated, she always has to be right, and I've heard her espouse homophobic views. My mom's cousin suffers severely from paranoia. She believes everyone is being poisoned by radiation and recently sent a video that claimed it is not Coronavirus but 5G that is making us all sick. My aunt was added to the group chat we have with my parents, my siblings, and our partners (including my same sex partner, who my aunt believes is my "roommate"). My mom created a separate Whatsapp group for me, my siblings, and her cousin. At first I didn't mind the engagement, as I do feel sympathetic to their situations, but I've started to feel that their messages and opinions are weighing on me. Between the pseudo-science, the constant lectures, and the 5 or 10 daily videos denouncing animals abuse (which could be fine in smaller doses), I find myself swinging between anger and sadness everytime I check in on these chats. Should I suck it up? Mute these chats? Speak up and risk upsetting my family?
Sincerely,
Weary on Whatsapp
LIL: I think there’s a way to bring this up without upsetting everyone, if you can keep what you say kind of impersonal. You could tell the whole group you’re trying to be careful about how much news you take in. (This is on a lot of minds right now, so it wouldn’t be a weird thing to bring up.) You can say you really look at the family group as a place to share personal updates and just be together, and you’d like to encourage everyone to share fewer videos and news stories. While this won’t stop all the lecturing or other hurtful things they say, it might cut down some of the pseudoscience links (as well as just the sheer amount of notifications you’re getting from the aunt and cousin.)
In the future, you might be able to engage deeper with them about their opinions and sources, but you need to be able to trust them in a way you can’t right now. If they are willing to compromise with you in a small way, it could be an early step towards establishing that.
You may want to talk to your mom before bringing this up to the whole group. When it comes to difficult family members, many people cope by tuning them out or minimizing the tension they’re causing. Your mom might be so used to doing this that it hasn’t occurred to her you can’t just naturally do the same. But of course you can’t— and shouldn’t have to. You don’t have the relationship or history that she has with her cousin and sister. You might have close friends and family members that you “grin and bear it” about too, but it’s not them. Explain to her that you’re conflicted— of course you want to be there for family, but you’re feeling more sad and uncomfortable than you expected. Your mom doesn’t get to decide what you do, or make you suddenly able to tolerate them to the same extent that she’s able to. But it might help her support you if she knows how you’re feeling.
EM: It’s a funny, but all too common phenomenon that your biological family would not be the folks you would include in a chosen family. In your case, your aunt and mom’s cousin sound like they are bringing a whole lot of (unintentional?) hate and craziness into your family group chat, and ultimately onto your phone, and ultimately ultimately into your brain.
I think that the easiest and most peaceful course of action here would be to (almost) fully disengage with this WhatsApp group. Chime in occasionally, maybe once every week, with a charming and apolitical meme of cuddly puppies. But other than that, there is no reason to chat with folks who probably do not have the capacity to change their minds on topics that are really important to you (such as LGBT+ rights).
A quick caveat: I do think that coming out to the people in your life can help take a step to overcoming their homophobia. Perhaps knowing that her niece is gay would help your Aunt start reconsidering her hateful comments. But your well-being and peace of mind should be your top priority, not re-educating your aunt and your mother’s cousin. Only you can know if coming out to your extended family is a risk that is worthy of your time to take.
