Interfaith Heartbreak
Dear Em and Lil,
The man I love is not Jewish, but I am and it is extremely important to me. As we discussed next steps of our relationship, he said that he and his family would like to do Christmas and Easter with church. I asked what other aspects he wanted and said he would want our kids to know their orthodox Christian religion as well as Judaism. I explained I could compromise on the holidays but not two religions.
We therefore decided not pursue things further but to always love, care, and be there for one another and see how life goes. Was this the right move? Should I have asked him to convert or made it work? How do I move on after letting someone I love go and putting my identity and future family goals first?
-Second Guessing
EM: Second Guessing, you absolutely made the right decision. It is hard to break up with anyone you love, but I am confident that you chose a smaller heartbreak now over a huge heartbreak later. This ‘religion’ breakup was a breakup because of values. Ultimately, you both prized your religious traditions and communities more than your relationship with each other.
But your letter has me asking some questions. In what ways is Judaism important to you? It is my understanding that marrying within the faith is one of the core teachings of the Jewish religion. If not the religious teachings, what is about Judaism that appeals? Is it the community? The food?
My questions to you are sincere, Second Guessing. I think that clarifying exactly what the “is is” for you in Judaism will help you better understand your values. Perhaps your priority is maintaining strong bonds with members of the Jewish community, which could be sabotaged by dating non-Jews. That is critical information for understanding both your values as a whole and informing your future dating search! Whatever your values may be, it is critical to know them in order to conduct as effective a dating search as possible. Save yourself some heartbreak by starting the love journey with a printed-out map!
Finally, I believe it is really important to discuss values at the beginning of a relationship. If this conversation with your love had occurred earlier, you perhaps would have broken things off before getting too emotionally involved. Front-end important conversations to protect yourself from avoidable heartache!
LIL: I agree with Emma that you made the right decision. Your partner, whether we’re talking about this guy or someone in the future, converting simply because you ask them to is probably not the answer. If they were to convert, it should be freely and sincerely. It would be a choice they’d have to make about their personal identity— not only your identity as a couple or family.
Raising kids in more than one religion is possible. It means making a commitment to teaching them that every religion has little pieces of the truth, and that no one (including you and the leaders of your faith community) has all the answers. You also need to make sure the kids know, even from a young age, that they get to decide what they believe and how they want to practice it.
This isn’t relevant to you, though, because you already know that you aren’t interested in raising kids in more than one faith, outside of maybe a holiday here and there to please the grandparents. That’s great information to have as you continue looking for a partner. There is nothing wrong with religion being a factor.
So, you did the right thing. How do you move on?
You mention wanting to “see how life goes,” but your circumstances aren’t going to change unless you suddenly decide you don’t want kids. It sounds like you may still be waffling, and you need to rip off that band aid. Am I saying you’re not allowed to care for this guy anymore? Definitely not! But in order to start healing, you need to clearly decide and accept that your relationship can’t be romantic anymore.
