I Can’t Balance my Social Life!
Dear Em and Lil,
I am ridden with guilt over hanging out with my boyfriend and my friends. We are new in our relationship and I have hung out with him with my friends both before and once we started. But when he takes me on trips or if I spend all day with him, I feel like I am abandoning my friends. Most recently, I feel a lot of guilt for having my boyfriend cancel a trip because my friend changed their birthday celebration. Originally it would’ve worked out great, but then they changed the day and gave me a lot of guilt for not being there to celebrate with her. Now I feel even MORE guilt for having my boyfriend cancel the trip. I realize we can easily go another time...but no matter what I choose, I will feel bad. This has happened before with me in previous relationships. I put my all into a guy and lose touch with friends, or I neglected my boyfriend and would always choose my friends over him. I really, really like my new boyfriend and I don’t want to push him away by being with my friends or lose the friendships I’ve had for years over a guy. How can I balance between the two and get rid of this guilt knot in my stomach?!?
Sincerely,
Social Butterflies
EM: There is a lot going on in this question, but what is really sticking out to me is your overwhelming sense of responsibility to other people! What you are asking is,”How do I balance my friends and my boyfriend?” but what I would like to address is “How do I start prioritizing myself and my needs?”
To start, let’s address your feelings of guilt/discomfort when folks invite you to things. You are almost unconditionally in the right to decline an invitation to something you don’t want to do (bar visiting sick relatives, protests for important causes, etc.) When Kathy wants you to come watch her get her nails done and you don’t want to, NOT WANTING TO IS A GREAT REASON TO SAY NO! Sing it with me, do your thing!
Kathy may try to force you to watch her get a manicure. But remember, shaming you for declining an invitation is jerk behavior! It is bullshit for a friend to shame you for declining an invite. On a similar note, if your boyfriend shames you for declining an invite, that is also bullshit. You simply need to reassert your desires, no apology or sassitude needed.
Important caveat: advice from the paragraph above does not apply to last minute cancellations or canceling a plan because something better came up. This is especially the case when you may be putting someone out a couple of bucks, like if a friend purchased you a concert ticket. Show your friends and boyfriend that you respect them and their time by honoring your commitments.
Once you start prioritizing your own needs and wants, I suspect the friend/boyfriend challenge will start to fade away. Best of luck!
LIL: This birthday situation is tearing you up! In general, I agree that your friends’ birthdays should be a priority. They’re not that important to everyone— for example, I cannot for the life of me tell you what Em’s birthday is, and I’m pretty sure she just learned mine. But why not err on the side of treating them like royalty for the day? Definitely make an effort to be at their celebration. Your choice to put that ahead of your trip was perfectly valid.
But here’s the thing. Going with your boyfriend would have been valid too. Your friends changed their party plans. They had the right to, but you can’t clear your calendar for the entire birth month, right? So, what do you do if something like this happens again? Say you need to miss an event that’s important to a friend (because of your boyfriend, sure, or because of a work, family, or water polo related conflict!) Just make time for that friend soon before or after, make them feel really special, and apologize (once is sufficient) that you can’t be there in person.
All in all, you didn’t do anything wrong here, and I think you should really try to let your guilt go on this one. How to do that could be its own question, but my general advice is to talk back to it. Be that guy that we all dislike towards your guilt: “um, actually, that’s not quite accurate…”
I was concerned when you said your friend “gave you a lot of guilt.” Do you mean that you felt a lot of guilt, from within your own brain? Or that they talked or acted in a way meant to cause you to feel guilty? If it’s the second one, I think you deserve better from this friend. If they make you feel guilty often, it’s worth having a conversation where you tell them, “I’m a good friend, and you aren’t treating me fairly right now.”
You think you have a trend of neglecting your boyfriend or friends when you’re in a relationship. I don’t see this as one trend or pattern, though. I see it as two opposite past behaviors. You’ve pendulum-ed between the extremes of more time with your partners and more time with your friends. Instead of thinking “I always neglect somebody,” remember that you can learn from your past relationships, and you are more aware of all these pitfalls than you used to be. In other words, over time, the pendulum will make smaller and smaller swings and find equilibrium. That’s how pendulums work… because of air friction, I think? The point is, it sounds like you are already putting in the time and energy to be there for the important people in your life.
