Dealing with Roommates’ Negative Body Image
Dear Em and Lil,
I live with a bunch of girls who have/have experienced eating disorders. This is a topic that comes up often and it is difficult to navigate. There is a lot of food talk, clothing sharing — which leads to body and size comparing— and general weirdness that I hate and do not know how to handle. How do I stop these harmful cycles in their tracks and be empathetic without becoming a trigger, triggered or an unqualified, unpaid eating disorder therapist?
Sincerely,
FED up
EM: It sounds like your apartment has a little bit of this vibe. The harmful cycles to which you refer are almost certainly being enhanced by the quarantine, a time when we are all spending more time at home than ever. You are likely breaking lots of bread with your roommates, and discussing the caloric impact of each slice.
The only thing you can do to mitigate this situation is steer conversations away from the topic of body image. Avoid commenting on how people look, even if you want to say something positive. You may have good intentions by telling your friend she looks hot and skinny, but you are unintentionally enforcing the idea that it is important to look hot and skinny. Reframe your compliments to focus on attributes of your friends’ personalities. Finally, try to avoid categorizing food as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. While it is true that some food is better for you than other food, black and white thinking will serve as more of a hindrance than a help to your health. Think about the nourishment that food provides for you, and perhaps meditate on all of the work that went into putting this food onto your plate. Stay healthy, FED up.
LIL: You’re in a tricky position, because seeing you eat something healthy OR unhealthy, seeing you go on a run OR choose not to could all be triggers for you roommates. Being compassionate is important, but you won’t be comfortable if you’re constantly on your tiptoes. You might want to establish some eating routines that work for you— not so you can beat yourself up if you don’t always stick to them— but because it could lower the pressure at those times when there’s a lot of guilt and scrutiny about food hanging in the air around you. It could be easier, for example, to go back to a standard simple lunch you have every day, or eat a container of leftovers you made ahead of time, than to navigate around all the feelings about ingredients and portion sizes.
It might also be a good idea to practice how you’ll respond in some common conversations. For instance, I bet a lot of us have had this one before:
Brinda is doing something “healthy”
Glomda: You’re so good! I’M SO BAD.
Brinda: Oh my gosh, no you’re not!
Glomda: Yeah I am! I did [X unhealthy thing] today. I’m the worst.
Brinda: No, I’m the worst! I did [X unhealthy thing] this morning!
You don’t want to give negative self-talk any more power than it already has, but usually, Brinda’s method doesn’t work either. No one likes to be ignored, so if you try to brush right past, they might double down. Try gently pointing out what’s going on— “you’re being so mean to yourself right now. I don’t think you or any of us deserve to be treated that way.” Or think about and practice some other response that would help you if you were on the other side, because we’ve all been both Brinda and Glomda. Sometimes it feels like every conversation (especially between women) about food or health is stuck on a train to “WE ARE TROLLS! TWO TROLLS IN A NASTY SWAMP!” Let’s try to get out of this habit as much as we can!
I’m glad you’re committed to not becoming the therapist of the house. You have roommates in various stages of a recovery process, so do you know what to do if one of them did need extra help? If you haven’t yet, can you and your roommates come up with some agreements about what to do or who to contact in a worst case scenario? You shouldn’t be shouldering full responsibility for each other, but as people sharing a living space, you’re in a prime position to notice and step in.
