My Friends are Enemies!
Dear Em and Lil,
I made two friends recently that both live near me. However, they don’t like each other at all due to an interaction earlier in the year when one said something that offended the other (both own dance companies and so are competitive which is what the comment was about.) I really like both people and hang out with them separately. They don’t know I am friends with the other. I’m so nervous I’ll run into one while I’m with the other. And I feel uncomfortable when they mention each other in a bad way. What should I do? I feel awful keeping my friendships a secret and now it’s been months.
-Dancers in the Dark
Em: Your question raises a number of alarms for me. One of your friends made a comment that offended the other, but you did not reveal what was said. Did the friend say something so horrible that it should not be repeated or was it so asinine that you forgot what was said?
If it was something truly horrible, something cruel or discriminatory, it is time to rethink your relationship with the offending party. Life is short and there is no need to maintain relationships with people who are unkind.
However, if the offending remark was more debatable, I suggest you stay out of this conflict. You have already implied to each friend that you chose them in the fallout. To me, lying is 100% more shady than having a friend who has beef with your other friend. Here is a script that will help you come clean:
“Hey friend A. I really value our friendship and I wanted to let you know that I still have a very strong bond with friend B. It is unfortunate that you two have tension, and I would really like to stay friends with you both. Let’s keep our discussion of friend B to a minimum while we are together.”
LIL: First of all, congrats that your life is a Step Up movie. Most of us aspire to have even one friend who owns a dance company!
I agree with Em that you need to come clean immediately. Up to now, you’ve avoided straight up conflict, but it’s not sustainable. If you continue hiding what you think and worrying that you’ll be caught, you’re going to lose the joy in both relationships.
When explaining the situation to your friends, you may have to offer reassurance to both of them in different ways.
The offended friend: you don’t have to clear your other pal’s name or make a case that they’re worthy of forgiveness. This friend’s hurt feelings are valid; you’ve simply had a different experience.
The offender: No, you haven’t been “poisoned” against them, and you don’t think any less of them after hearing a differing side of the story.
You connected with both friends long after the falling out happened, so you don’t have the same baggage they do, and you’re not looking to pick it up! Ask both of them to understand that when it comes to the other, the only thing you’re willing to be is a neutral party. They will need to decide if they can handle that, and you’ll have to respect whatever they choose. Unfortunately, this means that one or both of them may decide they need some space.
