Should I Settle Down?
Dear Em and Lil,
I grew up in the suburbs right outside the city where I now live. I went to college here, and ended up staying after graduation. I do like it here, but I’ve always thought about moving so I can experience living somewhere else. How do I tell if I actually want to move or just think I should? What are the pros and cons of starting over somewhere new vs. settling down in the place I live?
Sincerely,
Stuck (Maybe?)
EM: What a light-hearted, endearing question! I sense little to no internal strife in this letter. As you ponder big decisions, may your life continue to be peaceful and full of good options. Everyone say *amen.*
I actually am here to deliver a slightly cynical answer. From the bottom of my heart, I wish that more people remained in their hometowns! Here’s why. Since the dawn of civilization and agriculture, folks grew up in a town and then settled down in that same town. Let’s take our buddy Giovanni here for instance. Gio was born in Pompeii to a cheesemaker father and homemaker mother (what a backwards town). He established some strong bonds during childhood with Pompeii neighborhood kids, and perhaps made an enemy or two along the way. Gio went on to marry local ricotta expert Isabella (please don’t check if this cheese/time map is accurate) and they created a beautiful, creamy life together. Giovanni and Isabella may have an occasional friend or relative venture away from Pompeii, but, for the most part, their social structures stay in-tact. And that is great, since nothing horrible in the slightest will happen to Gio or any of his loved ones. Let’s hope.
And I think that that is how it should be! Our social structures should remain relatively intact. It feels so good to see the same people regularly and to develop relationships, whether they be intimate or distant. A friend (with whom I have ironically lost touch) once said that, “The reason it hurts so bad to say goodbye to people is because we shouldn’t have to say goodbye. Humans are not wired to say goodbye.”
However, we have grown so accustomed to saying goodbye that “home” has little meaning in the neoliberal modern world. What is a home? Sure, maybe your parents live there. But in all likelihood, the community with whom you grew up is incredibly fractured. Folks leave ‘home’ to further their career, for adventure or arbitrarily leave for the sake of leaving.
On some level, I wish that most of us “stayed home.” I wish we invested in our communities rather than leaving them. I wish that home was a place where, not just our parents, but an entire extended family and persisting community resided. I’m not one to talk. I left my Connecticut hometown, and in fact don’t know anyone from high school who still lives there. Out of my family, only my parents live in my town and if I am honest, most of my cousins are closer to acquaintances than actual relatives. I can say that with confidence knowing there is 0% chance that any of them are reading this! Screw you, Sheryl and your noodle kugel!
I wish things were different but am unwilling to do anything about it. I wish there was still such a thing as community. I wish community were not a metaphor, but a physical place where people lived whilst knowing and caring about one another.
FINALLY I WILL PROVIDE ADVICE. Despite everything alleged above, I think that you should move if you want to. Take a couple of years to explore a new city, advance your career, and meet cool new friends. But, absolutely overstepping my bounds, after your adventuring, I encourage you to return to your hometown and be one cog in the chugging community machine.
LIL: I advise against moving just for the sake of moving, only because I don’t actually think it will change things as much as you’re imagining. You probably won’t become a celebrity/influencer the moment you step out into your new zip code. You’ll probably still go to Walgreens or CVS a lot, still watch Netflix or Hulu a lot, and you’ll probably still feel like you don’t know how to make new friends as an adult. If what you want is to shake things up, then a new apartment, job, or haircut might do it just as well as a cross-country move.
I also sometimes think about moving, because I’m still young and would like to cultivate a “can’t tie me down” reputation. Then I remember that the place I live now has all the fresh water, and no forest fires or hurricanes, and staying seems really good. So, instead of making a pros and cons list about moving vs. not moving— which is way too theoretical to even help you— make a pros and cons list about the place where you live now. Some things that you’re missing might be available to you right away. On the other hand, If there’s something specific a new place would have that you can’t get where you are, that would be a good reason to move.
While you’re right that moving somewhere new is one obvious way to get a fresh start, I don’t think staying where you are necessarily equals settling down. Think about what settling down actually means to you (a pet? A serious relationship? Going back to the suburbs?) If what that phrase brings to mind doesn’t sound good, then you don’t have to do it— regardless of where you live! And if your version of settling down is appealing, don’t assume you’re selling yourself short or squandering your youth. Settling down isn’t the same as settling.
One last thing: if by “starting over,” you mean “getting a new personality,” then you should know that moving won’t necessarily do that for you, and there are definitely other, more cost-effective methods (again, a haircut!)
