Taking the Distance out of a Long Distance Relationship
Dear Em and Lil,
I have been long distance with my boyfriend for the past year now and we’ve made it work. Next year, though, we will be in the same city again and I’m nervous about the transition back to being near each other all the time. Do you have any advice on how to balance settling into a new city, my new career, and being near him again?
Sincerely,
Sex and the (same) City
EM: What exactly makes you nervous about sexing in the same city as your boyfriend? Is it the loss of independence that you fear, or a worry that you will struggle to create your own networks? Or is it on the other end, where you worry that you will feel the desire to smother your boyfriend with your exciting new omnipresence in his city?
Even though circumstances are changing, you are still in charge of defining the terms of your relationship! If you still want to ease into it by keeping weekdays to yourself and chilling with him on the weekend, express that desire. If you want to spend every waking hour together and eventually fuse into one person, you can also make that happen! As the saying goes, this relationship is your oyster.
In all seriousness, I think it is really important that you establish your own routines and find your own niche in the city. Join a local organization, reach out to friends and family in the area and find times to explore the city by yourself. You will feel so much more self-actualized if your boyfriend is one part (albeit, important) of your full life, rather than feel like he is all you have in the city. Take stock of your cool new career, cool new settings, and (hopefully cool) old boyfriend.
LIL: Your nerves about these big changes are totally valid, and you don’t need to ignore or repress them. But if they start to assert too much control, “yes-and” them. Tell yourself, “yep, this is scary! I’m also so excited to have my boyfriend with me while I’m dealing with all of it.” And once you move, make sure to celebrate by having your boyfriend show you some of his favorite places around the city. That way, while you’re getting to know each other as a short-distance couple again, you’ll also be getting jazzed about your new home.
At the same time, you also need to focus on settling in, because this is much more than just a vacation to visit your boyfriend. You don’t want months to pass and realize you never really unpacked, or you lost track of habits that are important to you. Of course, it doesn’t have to all be non-stop adventures with you and your boyfriend. You can do unglamourous, every-day things together (that’s part of what will make being in the same place great.) But don’t feel bad if you get overwhelmed and need time to yourself. You can get that even if you’ll be living together— it’ll just take some communication, and maybe good headphones.
Even if you don’t get to spend quite as much time with your boyfriend as the two of you had in mind, remind him (and yourself) that it’s a lot more time than you had before! Both your lifestyles will need to change to fit together, and yours shouldn’t get wiped out just because you’ll be in the place where he already has friends, routines, and a junk drawer.
