Moving on from a Friend Breakup
Dear Em and Lil,
This problem has been on my mind a lot for the past couple of months. In January, a friend and I had a falling out. This falling out was not a surprise because things had been getting increasingly more strained in our relationship for some time. My issue is, how should I get this event out of my head so I can move on? I worry that the lingering discomfort from the falling-out will cause me to act more awkward and insecure in friendships going forward, potentially endangering those relationships. I want to treasure the people in my life, accept people’s boundaries, and get over the hurt that has lingered so stubbornly. What do you recommend I do to get over this friend, and proceed healthfully to maintain my current relationships?
Sincerely,
Frustrated and Hung Up
EM: Friendship breakups suck... largely because there is this sense that they don’t need to happen. In a monogamous relationship, there is one prized slot for the role of romantic partner. You only get one other half, so you or the person who is dumping you may feel more easily justified at initiating a breakup. From the arbitrary, I can’t date him because he eats too much toast, to the serious, I can’t date her because we are on different pages about parenthood, it all feels real and warranted because there is just one slot.
Friend breakups are another story. You can have as many friends as you want, and friendship isn’t (shouldn’t be) a zero sum game. So, when a friend breaks up with you, it feels so intentional. She can have as many friends as she wants, so why does this need to end!? From your letter, it seems that you have really internalized what your ex-friend thinks about you. You fear that what your friend has said is true and that that truth will provide a roadblock for all of your future relationships. I hear you, and it sucks.
Onto the recommendations. Step one: really take the time to meditate on what went wrong. I don’t want you to shy away from the pain here, really take the time to think about what the problem was. Were you an overbearing friend? Unattentive? Rude at dinner parties? Regardless of whether you feel you are “in the right” in the breakup, take the opportunity to identify a personal area in which you can grow.
Step 2: Let go of the idea that you will struggle in your future friendships. Despite how alien you must feel right now, friend breakups happen to all of us. I don’t know one person who has gone through life without a falling out. These things happen, priorities change, people miscommunicate. You are not bad, or wrong, or shitty. You may have some work to do on yourself, but you will get through this.
Finally, when you do start to develop new relationships, try to keep things light. Friendships are meant to add joy, stability and community into our lives. Don’t overburden your relationships with the weight of too many expectations. Invest your time and energy with the people who reciprocate your affection and feel good to be around.
LIL: I want to specifically talk about boundaries. You’re right, paying attention to boundaries is important. You probably don’t want to try to start off a new friendship by demanding immediate, unconditional love and attention. But I think that people often take it too far in the other direction. Do you know the playground game Mother May I? One player (the mother) stands at the end of the room. The others take turns asking “mother, may I take 1 step forward?” and then wait for a yes or no. This is how a lot of people approach friendships. They don’t want to show more interest than the other person so they try to make any moves toward each other exactly equal. But the thing you learn from playing Mother May I is that it takes a really long time to get across the room. People like being appreciated. Somebody needs to be brave and show some enthusiasm, and if that comes naturally to you it’s a huge gift to your future new friends. All this to say, yes, pay attention to the other person’s signals and don’t expect everything right away. But where anyone else might take one step, it’s okay to take two or three.
Try to be optimistic. If someone doesn’t reply to a text for a couple days, let your first assumption be they forgot, not that they hate you. You can be a generous friend by making yourself available to listen and support, and clearly asking for the same when you need it— including if what you need is a little reassurance that you and your friend are still okay. While you’re following the excellent advice Emma gave and doing some self-examination, remember you can admit to mistakes without saying “I ALWAYS do that” or “I ruin everything.” Be kind to yourself!
