Is His Living Situation a Deal Breaker?
Dear Em and Lil,
I started online dating someone at the end of March this year. Even though we have never been able to meet in person because of COVID, we have become quite close. We text every day and have had over ten Zoom dates! We both want something serious, and I believe that we may start a real relationship when this is over (whenever that may be). However, while we are alike in many ways, there is one thing that is troubling me: he is almost 30 and still lives with his parents. The reason he lives at home is unclear, but I do know it has been for several years at this point and not because of the coronavirus. He says he will move out eventually, but I'm not sure when exactly "eventually" is as I know salaries in his career are fairly small. I am financially independent, and it is very important to me that my partner be as well because I am looking for someone to start a life with.
How and when do I address this topic? Do you think I should ask him why he still lives at home, or is that too touchy of a subject? Is the relationship still worth pursuing?
Sincerely,
Home Alone
EM: Have you ever gone food shopping without a list? You may find yourself wandering the aisles aimlessly and leaving with half the stuff you meant to get. When I have made that fateful decision, my shopping cart has the tendency to look like this. It is hard to pick things when you don’t know what you are looking for!
This principle applies very neatly to dating. Many folks approach dating with a laissez faire attitude…Let’s just go out and see how it feels. This mindset is pleasant and chill, and may lead to lots of pleasant dates. But ultimately if you don’t know what you want, it’s gonna be a lot harder to get it. So, Home Alone, what is it that you want in a relationship? What traits are you looking for and what type of commitment? You will have a much, much easier time dating if you define your search before you begin it.
Some recommendations for this approach: take the time to consider which qualities are a must for you and which qualities are a plus (negotiable). When I was looking for a boyfriend, my musts were that he had to be sexy (to me) and Jewish, and my pluses were that he be politically active and have an active social life. Everyone’s musts and pluses are different, and it is important to consider where the lines are drawn for you. Making this distinction, before considering your man as a whole, will help determine whether living at home is a dealbreaker or a trait you can overlook.
One final recommendation: try to focus your evaluation on present circumstances rather than your prediction of future circumstances. Who knows when your man will move out, whether he will be financially stable in the future, or even what his personality will be like when you meet in person. Give heavier weight to who he is showing you to be now rather than who he is telling you he will be later.
For the record, I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with living at home with parents. But it doesn’t matter what I think.... What matters the most is if living at home is a dealbreaker for YOU!
LIL: The two of you are keeping in touch consistently, and have talked about what kind of relationship you’re looking for. It sounds like you’ve come a long way learning to communicate with each other. That’s great, and I think it means that you can definitely ask him to elaborate on his living situation and goals for the future. Bring it up lightly: “Oh, I haven’t asked yet— what’s it like living with your family?” You can go from there to ask about how long it’s been, and let his answers guide you to find out more. Don’t treat it as some taboo or humiliating subject. Asking about his living situation is part of getting to know him. And PLEASE leave this one word out of your vocabulary: still. As in “you still live with your parents.” That sounds like harsh judgement.
Try to separate your assumptions from the minimal facts you have right now. He may be prioritizing saving for something big (like education, a house, or to start a business) or paying off student loans or medical bills ahead of paying rent. He may have a credit score or a rental history that makes it difficult to get a new lease— and even if he’s budgeting and managing money, it can be a while before that changes. He may be making contributions to the family, whether that’s financially or as a caretaker, and it makes more sense to live with them. All this to say, his current living situation doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not or couldn’t be financially independent in the near future.
It’s also true that student loan debt is high, and depending on where you live, so is rent, while livable start-of-career jobs are scarce. Even if you’re more financially independent than he is, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your values and goals are that different. You may just have different paths towards achieving them, or different roadblocks on those paths. And (of course you already know this, but it’s worth remembering anyway because mainstream American culture wants us to conflate money and human worth) there are super, super important and affirming careers that just don’t pay well. We’re lucky that there are people with passion and talent who are still willing to do them.
Yes, maybe he lives at home because his mom does his laundry and brings him snacks whenever he wants. But I’m guessing there’s a bit more to it than that. And you know, even then, you can always find out what kinds of snacks are on offer before you make your decision!
Part of dating is information gathering. I would say that right now— both because you have not talked about it in depth, and because you have not met in person— you don’t have all the information you need. Don’t decide to end things until you’ve done at least one or ideally both of these things.
