I Like Both Guys Equally!
Dear Em and Lil,
Last year, I told a boy in my book club that I had a crush on him right before he graduated. He was shocked and said that he wished I had said something sooner. He moved to a different city, and we kept in touch sporadically via email.
This guy was really good friends with my two roommates (we are all in book club), so he hatched a plan to come to our city and visit with folks, all the while staying at our house. It was definitely not made explicit, but there was hinting that romance would occur between him and me during the visit. Two days before aforementioned Boy A comes to visit, I started dating Boy B (another longtime book clubber... in fact most of my romance in life has had a connection to book club). Boy A arrived, and seemed really pissed that I had a boyfriend. He knocked on my door this morning to say that he will be staying at a different friend’s house for the rest of his stay in our city. I feel so awkward… and kinda bummed because if I am being honest, I like both guys equally. Should I apologize, and if so, to which guy? Should I stop seeing my new guy because of lingering feelings for the old guy? Help!
Sincerely,
Book Club Bozo
EM: It seems, letter writer, that you have ruined things with Boy A. And that is fine! Burning bridges with prospective love interests is often just part of the game. In order to find one partner, you will have to browse around and meet a lot of suitors. If there is >1 dude interested in you and your time, it is officially impossible to please everyone. And that is fine, because it is not your job to please everyone. It is your job to act respectful, be honest with the people around you and find the people with whom you would like to spend your time.
I would like to address your somewhat apologetic claim that you like both guys equally. At this early stage in the game, there is nothing wrong with liking two people. Sure, you know a little bit about these people from book club, but have likely not drawn enough data points to learn which (if either) person is a good fit. That is the entire point of dating; you are window shopping and having a good time to see if you want to spend more time with another person. It is okay and appropriate to enter a dating situation not knowing what outcome you would like in the end. A date well-spent will help you inch closer to the simple conclusion of whether you would like to go out again. Now is not the time to decide if you are going to marry Boy B; it is simply time to decide if you would like to see him again.
Finally, I would like to address the unspoken assumption in this letter that you need a boyfriend. You do not need a boyfriend, letter writer. Boyfriends can be good, and they can be absolutely shit. When you approach your love life from a position of lack, you are more likely to settle for a dude who does meet your needs. Keep those standards high so that you can find someone who you deserve and who deserves you.
LIL: I agree with Em that there’s no reason for you to stop seeing Boy B. Have fun! As you continue getting to know him, be mindful of grass is greener type thinking. If you get in a fight with B and immediately think to yourself, “I chose the wrong boy,” remember that you haven’t dated A so you don’t know him as well, including the parts that might tick you off.
If you still like them equally in the future, say a month or two into dating Boy B, then things might be different. It’s not fair to B to be endlessly compared to another guy, and if you’re still pulled in two directions, it’s probably a sign that you’re not super happy.
I’m not overly impressed with how Boy A reacted in this situation, and if you feel guilty I urge you to question that feeling. After Boy A moved, the two of you emailed, but did he expect you to Rapunzel yourself away from other guys just because you had expressed interest once? I guess you could have told him you were dating someone else before he visited, but it happened within a couple days, and I don’t know if that would have helped the awkwardness between you and A. What was he going to do, cancel his trip? Or tell his other friends, your roommates, he was only staying with them because of you? I don’t want to make Boy A out to be a villain, but I also don’t think you owe him an apology.
All I can say, Bozo, is I want to join your book club (or at least read a novel about it!)
