Save my Eight-Legged Houseguests!
Dear Em and Lil,
My girlfriend is deathly afraid of spiders. I don't mind having some spiders in our house but she always makes me kill them. Even putting them outside is off the table because sometimes they get away and she doesn't trust me anymore. How can I help her get over this fear or at least come to a compromise between her, me and the countless spiders who will be my future victims?
Sincerely,
Reluctant Killer
EM: Letter writer, I think that your arrangement is working out just fine. It is possible to show love by allowing our loved-ones to avoid doing the things they hate. Your girlfriend absolutely hates spiders, so you are doing her a great service by making them go away. An arrangement where both parties work to make each other lives better is a good one in my books.
To address your next point: you would rather release than kill the spiders. Next time your girlfriend sees a spider, tell her firmly and calmly, “I will handle the spider, and you are free to go into the other room now.” If she presses you for details, just repeat, “I am handling it, so you don’t have to worry.” You are then free to either kill or release your little arthropod into nature.
BOOM, we have solved it. My last thought, letter writer, is that I really hope your girlfriend does stuff like this for you. If you have a fear of lint traps, I hope your girlfriend dutifully removes the lint after a dryer cycle. For the health of your love, BOTH you and your girlfriend must go out of your way to show care and affection.
LIL: I don’t know that there’s a way to make someone not be afraid of something anymore. There’s exposure therapy, I guess, but you should not do that to your girlfriend (even if you are a therapist and know how to do it, that would probably cross some ethical lines.) If you want to attempt to bring your girlfriend over to your side, first you must become vegan. You can easily be written off as a hypocrite unless you commit to not killing or harming other animals aside from spiders. If you’re already a vegan, congrats on your gorgeous body and carbon footprint!
Yes, all living things should be treated with respect. But there’s also a natural food chain, and buddy, we’re right up at the top! You’re not obligated to put spiders’ lives above a member of your human pack’s comfort in her own habitat. If I learned anything from Charlotte’s Web (other than the power of friendship, of course!) it’s that spiders have short lives. You’re not overly playing God by swatting one here or there. If it helps, consider that putting indoor-kid spiders out into the wild might be even worse than a quick death, especially if it’s cold out.
Remember that we all have stupid fears that others think are absolutely ludicrous. Like you, I’m not scared of spiders, but I am scared of any movie or TV show set in the future, including an episode of Black Mirror about two girls falling in love through virtual reality that apparently everyone else in the WORLD found very heartwarming. The next time you are vacuuming up a spider, think about how it feels to be scared, and how when you are afraid, you like to be treated with kindness and patience!
