Debating Politics with Pals
Dear Em and Lil,
In my group of friends, we like to have discussions about politics. It can get loud and argumentative at times, but that's because we all enjoy it. Except for one person, who I'll call Nicky. Nicky gets quiet during these discussions, or she'll say one thing and then clam up if anyone questions or disagrees with her. We want to include Nicky, but I also don't think we should treat what she says differently and not discuss it the same way we would with anyone else's opinions just because she's more quiet. What do you think?
Loud and Proud
EM: Some people love debating, whereas others find it to be draining. I myself fall into both camps; I will debate about something important but lose steam if the debate seems trivial. But debating can easily devolve into a lowkey hostile exchange. One second you’re discussing which city makes the best pizza, and the next you’re talking about how your husband embarrassed you out in front of your mother in law.
Does Nicky perk up and resume chatting when the conversation moves away from politics? If so, she may be clamming up because she is non-confrontational or uninformed about subjects. It is also possible that the more dominant personalities in your friend group are trampling over Nicky when she tries to speak.
Try to be considerate to your friend group, including both Nicky and the other friends. If your group likes debating, Nicky is probably already well aware and used to it (she may even like being able to sit back and listen). On the other hand, it sounds like your group can make a better effort to let Nicky speak without interruption. Nicky may need a bit longer to formulate and express her thoughts, so do your best to grant her that time.
LIL: I think you’re right that the solution isn’t to “oh, good job sweetie” Nicky every time she talks. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with what Nicky’s doing now— and she might be happy mostly listening. But I do think that there are some adjustments you can try that will actually make your friendly discussion/arguments more worthwhile and interesting for everyone, Nicky included.
1. While your friends are talking, are you just rebutting every sentence they say in your head? Because there are better kinds of listening to aspire to. Try to really take in what they say, without giving a lot of energy to your reflexive responses. Then, take a minute to re-formulate your thoughts. Yes, this might mean you don’t get to be first to respond. But I bet that when it is your turn, your response will be more precise because you actually took in what your friend said.
2. I got into a kind of intense discussion with my family the other night, and when it was over, I thought, “I wish I had done a better job of admitting how complicated this is.” Interesting discussions happen because there is grey area and overlap. Don’t be afraid to agree with your “opponents.” If you were a prosecutor in court, you probably wouldn’t say, “Hey, The Defense, that was a great point which I hadn’t considered.” But you’re not in court; these are your friends.
3. Em mentioned how sometimes what starts as a light thought-exercise very suddenly becomes not fun anymore. I think of this as hitting The Cliff. And I would guess that when you hit The Cliff (trademark pending), it doesn’t really work to say, “let’s just agree to disagree.” In my experience, champion arguers like you and your friends take that as a challenge— a sign of weakness that means they are about to win, and a race for the last word. Even if you’re ready to push through, people like Nicky are feeling trapped. So learn to recognize signs of an impending Cliff:
People repeating themselves.
Someone makes a joke or lighthearted comment, and no one laughs.
You wish you could split off and talk with one of your friends about how annoying everyone else is being.
Then, try something like this:
“I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself and talk in circles, so I’m going to be quiet. Does anyone have something I’ve missed or haven’t acknowledged? I’ll make sure to listen rather than jumping in to talk over you.”
“I have to pee, but I don’t want to miss anything. Can you pause and watch this video of a penguin slipping on ice until I get back?”
Both these options give you all a little cool down time, so that you can either stop the argument without anyone losing face, or get back into it at a level where it’s still fun.
Nicky will decide how much and how often she wants to talk. But if you make a little more space, you’ll notice that when quieter people speak up, they often say really perceptive things that take your discussion to a new place. Plus, if you’re ever in an argument where it’s not just for fun and you actually need to change someone’s mind, following Em and Lil’s Rules of Order will help them feel respected which will help you get them on your side.
