My Boyfriend Doesn’t Like Me!
Dear Em and Lil,
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year... and it's not going well. It is clear to me and all of my friends that I am 100% more into the relationship than he is. When I ask him to hang out, he begrudgingly says "ok fine." When we spend time together, it usually isn't fun because he makes it so clear that he doesn't want to be there. I know that I am undervaluing myself by continuing in this relationship... but I just can't let go.
I keep remembering all of the amazing times we had together before things went wrong. We worked so well together, had so many intimate conversations, fun times, and mutual friends. I had resigned myself to the idea that he was my soul mate. So, instead of moving on I keep pushing and pushing the relationship to work. I try to make myself sparse, I try to make myself more interesting and nothing works.
Recently, I met another guy and I felt like my heart caught fire. This was a guy who was expressly interested in me and we can't stop texting. I haven't told him I have a boyfriend, or my boyfriend that I have been texting with someone else. In truth, I don't even want this guy. I just want my old boyfriend back and to feel the love that I had before. Please help! I feel like my personal life is in absolute shambles.
Sincerely,
Unloved with a Wandering Eye
LIL: You might be familiar with the concept of a sunk cost. A sunk cost refers to assets that have already been invested into something, but aren’t recoverable, and so can’t be factored into the value. When you’re deciding on your next move, say, in a relationship, it’s very tempting to say, “but I have to stick with this— I’ve already spent so much time, energy, and emotion on it!” The problem is, it doesn’t sound like you are likely to get a “payout” of any of that from your boyfriend. Given that, it sounds to me like it may be time to end this relationship.
Of course, interpersonal relationships more complicated than a spreadsheet of debits and credits. And I think you will eventually get something out of this one. You’ll be able to appreciate the happy memories without the desperate feeling of trying to repeat them. And you’ll gain a lot of insights about yourself from this relationship. BUT I don’t think any of that will come until you give yourself a little space. Right now, you’re too focused on what your boyfriend wants, and what you can do for him to really be introspective.
It’s great that this other guy has come into your life, if only to remind you there are other possibilities out there. But make sure you don’t rush into something just because it makes you feel valued. Say the two of you started dating, and he keeps right on being great at showing his interest in you, and the sparks keep flying, and the chemistry keeps… um, bubbling? There will still be times when one or the other of you feels more invested. That won’t mean that you should have never started dating, or that he can’t possibly be your soul mate, or that you’re repeating past mistakes. That’s just how relationships are. Whether you’re single or not, you need to find ways to make yourself feel that heart caught on fire feeling. It sounds like your friends understand what’s going on in your relationship. Open up to them and ask for support. Let them help you feel loved!
All that said, since you still have a boyfriend, you need to tell the guy you’re talking to. Right now, you are leading him on, which probably feels icky to you— and definitely will to him.
EM: In all relationships, whether that be friendships or romance, we show people what treatment we will stand for. We nonverbally reveal if we prize our time and how people can speak to us. If someone crosses a boundary, we can either accept the disrespect or speak up and advocate for ourselves. Unloved, you have been lowering the standards for how you deserve to be treated for far too long!
First, it is time to start asking yourself some serious questions about your relationship. You have been preoccupied asking, “how do I get this guy to like me,” when you need to be asking, “is this how I want to be treated by my boyfriend?” Do I really want to spend my time (precious and limited) pining after a guy who purports to love me? After reflecting, I am confident that you will know what needs to happen next.
Onto the advocating for yourself. Nobody can make another person act the way they would like, people can only adjust their own behavior. You can’t make your boyfriend more attentive and you can’t make him care more. Shouting “LOVE ME!!!!!” will fall on deaf ears, and do more harm than help to your case. What you CAN DO is decide how you will respond to his indifference. To put it candidly… you need to take a major step back from your relationship.
Finally, I was concerned by your last paragraph. I am happy that you are feeling excited and desired. But it sounds like you are using this guy as a means-to-an-end of improving your self esteem. According to Immanual Kant (and Em and Lil), human beings should be treated as ends in themselves, not as means toward something else. AKA, I think that you are inadvertently dehumanizing this guy in order to pursue your own interests. When you consider him as a full person and his emotional needs as equal to your own, it’ll be clear that you should reveal your relationship status STAT.
