I Just Want to Fix my Friends!
Dear Em and Lil,
It has always been one of my major downfalls that I care too much about my friends, and subsequently tend to judge life choices and try to help “fix” things for them. One of the places this has always been the biggest issue is with their relationships. My friends are some of the most amazing people in the world and I only want the BEST for them— because that’s what they deserve!
But I have never liked anyone that they choose to date. It’s not my place, I know it’s not, and I’ve tried forever to get better at just letting go, but I can’t. Now, these people that they are choosing to date are not physically abusive, but many of them have been emotionally abusive or manipulative and they constantly ask me why they can’t find someone better! I want to scream from the rooftops that they CAN and they should if they’re unhappy... but since I’ve tried to stop getting involved and be more supportive, I just stay quiet or tell them to do what they think is best for them.
How do you balance being a supportive friend and loving the people your friends choose, while also not letting someone hurt your friends over and over again? When it’s not even my place to be concerned in the first place!
Sincerely,
Too Involved
EM: Your love and care for your friends is admirable. And your nosiness is relatable... Lil and I wouldn’t be here if it were not for our need to Yenta into people’s lives. But I am a bit concerned with your comment, “I have never liked anyone that (my friends) choose to date.” Assuming you have about five close friends who have an average of four exes, you have deemed 20 whole suitors unworthy! Either your friends are absolutely terrible pickers, or (more likely) you are judging too harshly.
I hypothesize that you may be suffering from selection bias. At the beginning of a relationship, folks are inclined to gush about their new person to friends and family. After that stage, however, it feels braggardley to talk about how they KEEP BUYING FLOWERS EVERY DAMN WEEK! Instead, people turn to their friends mainly if they need to complain. Thus, Too Involved, I postulate that you may be getting an earful of complaints and missing out on everything that is good about your friends’ partners.
That being said, I may be way off base here. If your friends’ partners are truly emotionally abusive, please disregard the two paragraphs above and consult the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Do not give a friend any ultimatums along the lines of, “Leave him or I’m done with you,” because this can further isolate and make your friend more vulnerable to the effects of domestic abuse. Remaining a constant presence in your friends’ lives can be invaluable to their safety and well-being.
LIL: It sounds like in the past you’ve been too involved trying to fix your friends problems, and now you’re trying to correct that by swinging to the opposite extreme. But clearly, whether you get involved or not, worrying about your friends and cataloguing their romantic problems is still taking up a lot of your time and energy— and even causing you some heartache. So, one option is to give yourself more distance from your friends. But I’m guessing that’s not what you want.
So, my other suggestion is to find a middle ground. Being a supportive friend doesn’t mean being a yes man. Let yourself speak up more than you have recently, but don’t expect your words to suddenly change everything. That’s too much pressure! For example, if your friend is complaining about their partner, affirm their feelings, and help them work through the present situation they’re upset about. But don’t bring out your big list of everything your friend’s partner has ever done wrong. Let your friend be frustrated without raising the stakes too much, so they don’t feel like they have to defend their relationship to you. Be patient. One conversation with you probably won’t cause your friend to dump their subpar sweetheart that same day. But it might help them start to recalibrate how they deserve to be treated.
When your friends ask why they can’t find anyone better, encourage them to think about the specific things they’re looking for or feel are missing from their current relationships. Sometimes people get stuck in a pattern of unhealthy dating, and start to believe that’s the only kind of relationship that exists. You don’t need to be the one to tell them what they need, but you can help them imagine what else might be out there.
Lastly, make sure you're being honest with yourself about which of your friends are dating manipulative or abusive people vs. people you don’t like very much. You are fiercely loyal to your friends, so you might never think that anyone they date is good enough for them! But, it’s possible they will find someone okay who treats them with respect, makes them happy, and annoys the living hell out of you. Compared to them dating the kinds of people you describe, that should be a cause for celebration!
