Their Mom Would Strangle me on Sight!
Dear Em and Lil,
My current partner and I have a history; we had a romantic relationship in college, and were apart for a number of years before we reconnected. It has been an amazing process. I've grown a lot through developing a more responsible relationship than what we had in the past. That being said, there are a lot of "old skeletons" between us, many of which are not very flattering to discuss. Most of these skeletons have been my mistakes, I've come to realize. Currently, I consider it a duty to address my past shortcomings, so I can be a supportive and healthy partner in the relationship, and my partner has been patient, gracious, and forgiving through these stages of reconnection.
That being said, his mother seems not so willing to forgive at the moment. She is aggressively averse to my presence, and becomes agitated if she hears my voice over the phone if my partner is on a call with me. I haven't been in contact with her since my partner and I broke up years ago, and I don't anticipate that she'd be happy to reconnect with me now. Being honest about my past and cultivating healthy trust in the partnership has been difficult, but so far successful. However, I look ahead at the challenge of cultivating trust with his mother, and I'm questioning whether it will be worth the effort at all. I want to communicate to her that I'm willing to listen, change, and put effort into being a better partner (and person) than I was, but how should I approach the challenges of a parental figure that might not be willing to communicate at all?
Sincerely,
Dismayed in Denver
EM: Before I get into your actual question, I would like to volunteer some advice that you didn’t ask for. A wise man once told me, “every couple should get one breakup, and that’s it.” But Emma, my circumstances are uniquely different and there is a specific reason that she and I needed to break up and get back together four times!!! I hear you, beloved imaginary friend. But truly, I think you will be better off looking for a new partner rather than overcoming baggage with your old partner.
It makes sense that this mom is suspicious of you. Reading between the lines, your actions probably resulted in a major broken heart. Mama bear needs to protect her child.
So, what can you do to get this mom to like you, or lessen her aversion? Time. Only time will heal the wounds of your partner and their mom. Prove yourself deserving of mama’s esteem by respecting your partner’s boundaries, being kind and acting responsibly.
Moms are important, but the real stakeholders in this relationship are you and your partner. This mom may cause big waves, but that doesn’t mean that either of you need to listen to her. If you continue in this relationship, win mom over not by trying to convince her but by showing her how you have grown.
LIL: As far as hearing your voice over the phone, and other accidental interactions you just can’t avoid, your partner needs to be clear with their mother that her reaction is not helping. The most generous reading of this is that she naturally wants to protect her (grown) child. Your partner may be able to avoid heartache for everyone by firmly saying thanks but no thanks for the unneeded protection.
If it hasn’t been very long since you got back together, it will be better for you not to show up in person around the mother, and not to contact her yourself, even to apologize or explain how you’ve grown. Let her get used to her presence in her child’s life again.
However, if you and your partner are at the point where you’re making plans together beyond a couple months, it’s time for a more straightforward approach. Have your partner set up a time for the two of you, their mother, and ideally another, more neutral family member to get together. Your partner should let their mother know you want to talk about your relationship and the tension between you and her— don’t surprise her with it! You and your partner can talk about the positive changes you’ve made, and tell her you want to mend fences. You should also give the mother a chance to state her side. She will likely bring up some of those skeletons, and all you can do is repeat the same steps you have gone through with your partner to own up to your mistakes and make amends.
I agree with Em that time is going to be your best friend in this situation. While it might not happen overnight, it is possible to rebuild— and you know that because you’re making that happen with your partner. I may not be a wise man, but I say, don’t give up on this relationship because you’ve broken up before, and don’t give up just because there’s still work to be done in the future. For now, focus on your partner. Continue to take responsibility for your own actions in the past and present, and let time do its thing.
