He Likes Big Bellies (and he cannot lie)

Dear Em and Lil,

I just started going out with a guy from a dating app. He has a lot of great qualities but one thing is striking me as a red flag. I’m definitely not stick thin, but I am also not the chunkiest of peanut butters. Anyways… on our first date, this guy was weirdly handsy, pinching my upper arm chub and poking/smushing my belly. He also commented on how much he loves women’s round stomachs and his appreciation for the ‘thicc’ body type. We chatted on the phone a couple days later, and I went right out and asked. “Do you have a fat fetish?” To my surprise, he said yes. He informed me that, while he would never do something as extreme as feeding behavior, one of the reasons he was into me was because he considered me to be fat.

Em and Lil, I am so conflicted. On the one hand, I am super weirded out and feel like he is reducing me to my fat (I am not even that fat)! On the other hand, I wonder if I am kink shaming and not giving him a fair shot. What do you think: should I go out with him again and put my concerns aside, or should I take my blubbery belly back onto the dating apps and find a new boy?

Sincerely,

Chunky-ish

LIL:  It’s not kink-shaming if you decide not to see this guy again, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it for one minute. It sounds like he was enlightened about his own kinks and attractions, but not when it came to gauging your comfort level and consent (or lack thereof) to being touched. Some people might like being poked on their belly on a first date while others don’t— either way, he should have made sure it was okay with you.

Aside from being fun, going on dates should be an opportunity to find out whether you and a potential partner align on what you’re looking for. If you’re both looking for a romantic relationship, rather than a strictly sexual one, you need to align on much, much more than just having the body type the other person is attracted to. That said, kinks can be an important part of someone’s identity, and I’m guessing it’s best and sexiest when they can be celebrated by both partners. In that case, maybe this guy should be looking for someone who already knows they like to receive the type of attention that he likes to give. 

So that’s  just another reason he should have gone the route of a conversation first, touching second. That’s what I keep coming back to, and why my vote would be for you not to see him again. But I also haven’t met him, or you, and I wasn’t there for your first date, which sounds like it had a lot of positives. If you’re waffling, and think you might want to give him another chance, talking on the phone again might be a good middle ground.

Good for you for noticing something felt off and asking him about this straight out. If you do keep seeing him, I’d hope you would have the chance to share your preferences and desires too— just because his came to the forefront early on doesn’t mean yours aren’t important too.

EM: I think there is a better guy out there for you, and I’m not just saying this because of his ‘fat fetish’. Echoing Lil’s thoughts, a first date is an opportunity to establish rapport and COMFORT between two people. You wouldn’t have written in if the belly-rubs had felt respectful in any way. With his too-soon touches, this guy is prioritizing his desires over your boundaries. 

This situation is certainly made more complex by the fact that American culture prizes slender female bodies over curvier/chunkier ones. You may feel undesirable or even lucky that this guy is giving you the time of day. But please keep in mind, letter writer, this guy is not doing you a favor by liking you. You are perfectly likable as you are, whether you have a big round belly or a small flat one. 

If your date had expressed his preferences in a more respectful way (that is, after you two had become more familiar and he learned more about your boundaries), I would say go for it and go out with this guy again. But his forwardness alone is a red flag about how much he cares about checking in with people’s boundaries.

Finally, this dude gives off the ‘just relax’ vibe. This move is a staple in the creep handbook, in which one person will express their discomfort, and the other person will tell them to ‘just relax’. The just-relaxer may think they are doing a good deed by helping you chill, but they are really just prioritizing their own desires over your comfort. Letter-writer, run away from this dude and anyone else who is insufficiently interested in how you feel.