My Friend is a Negative Nancy!
Dear Em and Lil,
I have a friend who likes to wallow. It is subtle, but while describing things he will throw in something really negative. "That is a beautiful house" quickly turns into "our generation will never be able to afford houses." I don't know how to respond, and I can't tell how much truth he sees beneath these jokes. Should I laugh along? Should I challenge his underlying beliefs? I fear that this negative outlook could prevent him from getting the things he wants.
Sincerely,
Positive Paul
EM: It is very common for people to conceal their true feelings behind jokes. So thinks Sigmund Freud, who theorized that jokes let out forbidden thoughts and feelings that the conscious mind usually suppresses in deference to society. He also had a bunch of other chill theories, like the idea that boys acquire morality through the Castration Complex, their fear of castration for misbehavior. Thus, Freud can be trusted unconditionally in all situations.
I challenge you to challenge your friend’s beliefs. If your friend is joking, that will become obvious pretty quickly. He may say, “Oh, I know we aren’t going to starve to death. I just meant that things are really bad.” But whether or not he’s serious, a simple disruption may do wonders to halting the cycle of toxic thinking.
The next time your friend mentions something negative, I encourage you to ask, “Is that true? What would it mean if it were true? Is there another thing that could explain what you’re seeing?” Employ more subtlety than that, but asking these questions may disrupt your friend’s spinning.
LIL: I question whether this is really going to affect your friend’s ability to get what he wants in life. Yes, a negative attitude can have the power to drag you down, but it’s only one piece of such a big puzzle of drags and non-drags acting on us all the time.
Take the house comment you mentioned. He’s… kind of right? On average, it is more difficult for millennials to buy houses than it was for previous generations. Your friend may get a house in the future or may never get a house, but either way, it probably won’t be because he brought up that fact to you. It’s not like he’s going to cause the real estate fairy to swoop down and say, “Aha! No house for you, Brian! You did not believe!”
Think of this problem as just an irritating thing in your friendship; it’s not your job to make sure he achieves greatness. Your friend has this one type of thing he always says that’s become a crutch. Treat him like you would anyone who makes a lot of unfunny jokes. When someone’s comment doesn’t make me laugh but I still need to acknowledge it, I go, “Oh! ...Yeah... Heh.” Your friend will notice he’s not getting much of a reaction, and realize that his go-to move is played out.
I don’t want you to think I’m saying you can never go in depth on or question anything your friend says. You just don’t always have to! He probably doesn’t want to be committed to a whole discussion every single time he makes a passing comment either. It’s just become part of his routine: “keys, phone, wallet, think about how shitty the world is.”
Have you ever looked at the comments on a cute cat video? I have and I don’t know why, because every time, it’s a bunch of people saying, “I KNOW animal behavior and that cat is being abused” and a bunch of other people replying, “As someone who has worked as a vet tech for 5 years, the cat is fine.” It’s okay if sometimes you just want to watch the cat video, or admire the beautiful house, or eat the burger even if though it took 660 gallons of water to make it. And at those times, you can just let your friend’s negative comments slide by without engaging.
