When We’re Kissing, Something’s Missing
Dear Em and Lil,
The guy I’m dating is great but he has a missing lower front tooth (due to a medical issue.) He says he will get it fixed soon. I don’t want to be shallow but how do I say that it prevents me from going further physically without hurting his feelings? Or do I wait— both physical and romantic connection are important to me and I need to explore this with him to know if he is the one. Every time we kiss I think about it! Help!
LIL: How do you say his missing tooth prevents you from going further physically? Don’t!
That information isn’t helpful— he already has to deal with this himself. It’s not like he needs to be convinced into getting his tooth fixed; he already wants to. A surgery like that can’t just happen overnight. Telling him you’ll be more attracted to him when he gets it done will only cause him pain.
If you’re committed to giving this a chance, take it slow, and work on deepening the romantic connection. Forcing yourself not to think about something rarely works, so instead of trying to ignore his missing tooth, make a conscious effort to notice what you do find attractive about his looks and personality.
Of course, you don’t owe it to anyone to be attracted to them. But in this case, I hope you’ll push yourself a little, because I do think you could be missing out on something great for a reason that won’t end up being very important!
It’s also possible your feelings won’t change. Maybe the two of you are incompatible for some entirely different reason, or maybe a missing tooth really is a deal breaker for you. There’s a difference between focusing on the romantic relationship over the physical because you want to prioritize getting to know this guy and doing it because you’re squeamish about kissing etc. If it continues to be the latter, it’s time to end things— it’s not fair to him not to.
Again, just so we’re clear, you still shouldn’t tell him it’s because he’s missing a tooth.
EM: Are you asking permission from us to break up with this guy? I grant you permission. It is always okay to break up with someone, or quit your job, or put down your book, no matter how shallow the reason.
Our subconscious can sometimes tell us that something isn’t right, even if our brain still wants to make it work.
Would you really be so hung up if *Robert Pattinson, or insert your crush name here* had a missing tooth that he was about to fix? You could probably stomach the idea of waiting for Robert's dentist appointment, when he would emerge like a vampire-butterfly in full splendor. My instinct is that you probably aren’t too excited about your guy, tooth-free or not.
Now the key is to let him off as respectfully and kindly as you can. And the key to a kind breakup is polite firmness. Express your intention to break up and don’t leave any seeds of doubt that you would be open to exploring again in the future. A clean break will help the other person move on much more easily than if you leave things open-ended.
Finally, Lil said it best: you do not need to criticize his tooth in the breakup. He is acutely aware of the issue, and bringing it up would serve more to hurt him and make you look shallow than convince him to get it fixed (he is already convinced.)
