Are We One of THOSE Couples?
Dear Em and Lil,
During our long-term relationship, my girlfriend and I have gotten to know each other's friends, and we all get along. When we hang out with friends we usually both go. No one has ever said they minded, but I still worry that we shouldn't always do friend group stuff together. Do you think our friends complain about us behind our backs? Should I make more of an effort to have my own separate social life?
-Everything Together
EM: Good news: you, not your friends, are coming to Em and Lil to complain about you! You are anticipating potential complaints from your friend group, which is pretty considerate. But yes, I think it is possible that your friends are complaining about you behind your back.
Group activities are fun, but cannot replace the intimacy and connection of spending time with a close friend one-on-one. Quality time with a close friend is a great opportunity to discuss what is on your mind and talk through important issues. This closeness is much harder to achieve in a group setting, which more often involves lighter conversation and joking around. (Ugh, I sound like an alien studying the ways of the human race). Don’t deprive yourself, your girlfriend, or your friends of the opportunity for that sweet, sweet one-on-one bonding time.
It is still cool to bring your girlfriend around. Just be sure to allocate one-on-one time with each of your close friends, whether that be in person or over the phone. When you decide to be one of THOSE couples, be sure to ask if it is okay to come as a pair.
LIL: I see myself in you, ET. My girlfriend and I do pretty much everything together, and I used to always worry, “but what if this isn’t supposed to be for couples?” In particular, one of her friends sometimes had girls’ nights, where no boyfriends or husbands would come (even the host’s boyfriend, who lived with her, would leave the apartment.) Walking through the door, I would be convinced that I should not be there, because I was a significant other, while my girlfriend was convinced I could be, because I was a girl. Her friends were always happy to see me, but the next time I’d still be worried all over again!
What I have decided is that there aren’t any set rules, and this includes “it’ll be weird if we’re the only couple there.” Not necessarily true. Actually, the “THOSE couples” people talk about usually do more than just go everywhere together. They are really touchy, which can sometimes make friends uncomfortable, use baby voices or too many pet names, or even— we’ve all seen this— only talk to each other. Make an effort to forge individual relationships with your girlfriend’s friends, and they will see you as more than that person that she brings. At the very least, I recommend asking questions and bringing snacks.
Like Em said, if you want to find out whether your friends have preferences they aren’t saying to your face, ask them! A good way to ask, so they don’t feel compelled to tell you to bring her, is something like, “should we have a just us kind of night, or should I invite my girlfriend?”
If they sometimes prefer to see you by yourself, that doesn’t mean they don’t like your girlfriend. Things might feel a little different to them when you’re there together. In rom coms, when someone’s significant other “changes” them, it’s a bad and evil thing. In real life, it’s usually less of a chemical reaction than simple engineering. There are just small if-thens and social dynamics that work a little differently when you’re with her. I’m sure both yous are great, but your friends might sometimes miss the other one.
Doing things separately once in a while could be fun for you and your girlfriend too. They do say that absence makes the heart go fonder. But, in my experience, so does being together all the time. Be sensitive to what your friends seem to be asking for. And if they always want you to bring your girlfriend, and both of you want that too, go ahead!
