Sleeping Alone and Hating It!

Dear Em and Lil,

Before I start, I know I am in the wrong here. My boyfriend and I live separately and spend many nights together. I often want space to myself and suggest that we sleep at our own houses. But, when he suggests the same thing, I get way too offended. My mind starts spiraling about how he doesn't like spending time with me. This is not helping our relationship, to say the least. Why am I a psycho? How can I tone down the psycho-ness?

-Clingy Lady

LIL: The good news is that in some ways, this is an easier problem to solve than if your boyfriend liked spending time alone and you didn’t. Then, we’d have to encourage you to find hobbies to fill your alone time and even get comfortable with what your brain does when there’s no one around to talk to! But since you already appreciate time to yourself, you are several steps ahead.

If you’re not doing this already, it could be helpful if the two of you plan ahead a bit. At the beginning of the week, you and your boyfriend could agree together on the nights you’ll spend together and apart. That way, it will be harder for you to work yourself up into thinking, “he doesn’t want to see me because I was so annoying last night!”

But of course, whether it’s because of a stressful day or a sudden burst of creativity, you or your boyfriend may want to change plans last minute and spend a night apart. You should both be allowed to do that. So, you need to work on assuring yourself that you are equally in control in the relationship as he is. The spiraling you describe can often come out of feeling helpless. You might feel that he’s deciding things for you when he asks to spend the night apart, even though you know that’s not what’s going on when you do it. I would suggest making a list of everything you’ve been meaning to do on your nights alone (make sure it’s not just chores— fun things too!) Even if you think you already have this list in your head, it will help to see it on paper. Tape it up on the wall too! Then if your boyfriend asks to spend the night alone, say to yourself, “Great! I’ll have time to do X.”

On nights when you’re the one to suggest staying apart, you can definitely let yourself relax and do nothing. But on the nights where it’s his idea, you might need to try a little harder to fill up your time, to keep your head above the surface. You can do anything from working on your hobbies, to organizing your closet, to watching a type of movie he’s not into. Whatever it is, make a plan for your night, just like you would if you were planning to spend it with another person. This will help you keep treating alone time as what it is: something really special!

EM: You’re right, Clingy Lady, that you are indeed in the wrong. But the question is… why are you in the wrong (feeling so unsure about your relationship)? Since you offer no complaints about your boyfriend’s behavior, I would guess that this ‘spiraling’ is coming from your own insecurities. Perhaps your discomfort arises from feelings of unworthiness or doubt that others will act right by you. These feelings are worth unpacking, perhaps through meditation or with the help of a licensed therapist. 

Remember that your boyfriend chose, and chooses every day to be with you. Take stock of the myriad ways that your boyfriend shows you he cares, whether that be through nights spent together or words of kindness. He may need some nights alone to recharge, but that does not diminish the many days and nights that he chooses to spend with you.

People don’t typically do things that they don’t want to do, so at the very least your boyfriend prizes your time together enough to spend time together. If he didn’t want to spend the night, he wouldn't, If he didn’t want to be with you, he would dump you. There is nothing to gain by trying to read negative intent into his nice, boyfriend-ly behavior.

Finally, I suggest you consult the Five Love Languages. Folks show love in different ways… some like to give compliments, while others prefer to buy gifts. Focus on the ways your boyfriend shows his love, and you may find yourself enjoying the occasional night apart more and more.