Overwhelmed by Virtual Friendship
Dear Em and Lil,
I am normally a very social and extroverted person. As a result I have built many incredible friend groups who sustain and support me, and I feel so lucky, and I don’t want to take them for granted. That said, during the Pandemic, I have been struggling a lot. Digital gatherings don’t do it for me the same way in person stuff does, but ALL of my friend groups have been planning regular digital gatherings, and friends who I see less often have also been reaching out to schedule virtual hangouts. It feels selfish and rude and REALLY hard to say no. I feel like people expect me to be as social as I was before, and to have a lot of free time. But being social is harder for me than it used to be! I need alone time! Any advice for setting boundaries without abandoning my friends or hurting their feelings?
-Feeling Flakey
EM: You are correct, Flakey, that virtual chilling is worse than live chilling. Zoom calls keep you pegged to your desk when all you want to do is self-medicate with grilled cheese and contemplate the fine arts. Additionally, Zoom prevents you from starting a side-convo when Uncle Joe begins his un-researched soliloquy on Corona.
It is okay to duck out of frequent group calls. It’s nice to catch up, but your friend group will understand if you are unable to make it to a meet-up. Additionally, your absence may even embolden other folks who would rather skip the call.
That being said, friendships (and relationships of all kinds) should be thought of as an emotional bank account. You can make a ‘deposit’ by doing something nice for your friends, like baking a cake or offering an ear when they need to vent. You can make a ‘withdrawal’ by asking them to help you move or kvetching about your co-worker. While you may prefer to keep to yourself during these times, doing so means that you are skipping critical opportunities to invest in your relationships. Balance your present needs with the needs of your relationships by hopping on the occasional video call. Doing so will strengthen your relationships by allowing you to show your friends that you care.
LIL: It’s been hard for me to figure out the “rules” for online social gatherings. In person, I know how not to overstay my welcome. But online, it’s harder to sense when people are ready to wind the call down, and also harder to tell if you’re cutting it off too early. This is incredibly brave of me— revolutionary even, because no one does this— but I say: set an end time in advance! Don’t be afraid to tell people, “I’m free from 7:00-8:00.” You don’t have to give a reason, but if you’re asked, say you have to prep for work, a job interview, or your meals the next day. It’s much harder to say, “oops, I have to get going” once the call has started (how many times have we all heard “go where? We can’t go anywhere! Ha ha ha!”) If any of your friends are like me, and worry about knowing when to say goodbye, they’ll appreciate you saving them from the guessing game. In a shorter amount of time, you can still have a great time reconnecting with an old friend without draining your emotional batteries.
With the people you’re closest to, be honest about the amount of calls you can handle. If I was your friend, and you explained this exactly how you did here, I promise I would not think you were selfish. That said, I know hearing that from me, a disembodied internet voice, will likely do very little to decrease your feelings of guilt. So, I would suggest telling your friends that even if they don’t see you as much, you are always available to talk when they need you.
Finally, I’m so with you and Em that virtual hangouts just can’t take the place of being together in person. So, why not embrace that? Most people have that one friend who always says, “let’s go around and decide what Disney villain everyone is,” or “let’s play two truths and a lie.” When I’m with my friends in real life, I don’t always want to do that kind of thing— I would rather have a free-flowing conversation! But that’s harder to do online, and coming up with a structured activity can really help. For one thing, it cuts down on people talking over each other, which always makes things go wonky in virtual meetings. It also means you’ll have more to look forward to than sharing over and over the same couple things that have happened. If you’re that friend who always suggests an activity, well buddy, this is your time to shine! If not, find that friend inside of yourself, and get ready to make your list of the 5 CDs that changed your life (quick plug for this— I did it with my friends, and it was really fun!)
Remember, your friends love you, and feel supported by you just as you do by them (and you can be sure of that, because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t keep reaching out!) You might be feeling flaky, but taking care of yourself during a Very Strange Time In History does not mean you are being flaky.
