It’s Like Jalapeños Down There!
Dear Em and Lil,
Okay the subject line was crude, but the question is real. How do you deal with talking about feminine pain/discomfort during sex? No matter how sweet or how much of a shitbag the person I'm sleeping with is, I feel so uncomfortable telling them if something hurts or does not feel good. How can I learn to ask for what I want and more importantly be able to say "OW?"
-Tender Feelings
LIL: Sex can be uncomfortable to talk about (for example, right now, I’m feeling a little embarrassed about responding to this question, because my mom might read it!) But talking to your partners tends to be the most efficient way to make things better. Ignoring discomfort and hoping it will magically go away could also work, but it seems to be taking longer, doesn’t it? If the same things are painful every time you have sex, you may want to take them off the table completely for a while and instead explore other ways to Enjoy Each Other’s Bodies (ew.) You can always try again, but in the meantime you will have continued to figure out what you do like. Then, when something’s uncomfortable you’ll have more of a vocabulary to say, “Don’t do that, do this.” Let your partners know what doesn’t feel good at the beginning, and you’ll be less likely to later find yourself choosing between “OW!” and grinning and bearing it.
On the other hand, maybe the discomfort comes up at seemingly random times. I’m guessing that part of you might, consciously or unconsciously, beat yourself up for not being “down for anything.” Or, you might not want to speak up because you don’t want to kill the sexy vibe. But the thing is, if you’re in pain, the vibe isn’t really that sexy. At least, not for you, and I bet the people you sleep with (if they knew) would agree. You’ve discovered that discomfort can happen with any partner, regardless of their attractiveness, personality, or how good they are in bed. But I will just say, if anyone whines or makes you feel guilty because you didn’t want to do something or told them you were in pain, they are not a shitbag who deserves to sleep with you!
If you’re uncomfortable during sex a lot, you should bring it up at a physical or OB-GYN appointment, because it can be an indication that something else is going on. I’ll tell you what a fabulous Nurse Practitioner at CVS told me recently when I went in for a tetanus booster (yeah, yeah, I wasn’t up to date with my shots, yeah, yeah I stepped on some barbed wire, and I’m FINE but now the guise of all-knowing advice columnist is slipping, right?) Anyway, she said that a lot of her patients are worried OB-GYN procedures will hurt, and she recommends they see a midwife instead, because in her opinion, midwives have a more holistic understanding of the muscles down there and can help you get more relaxed. So if the same kind of discomfort you’ve experienced during sex makes you hesitant to see a doctor, this might be something to look in to!
EM: It is time for you to start telling your partner what you want! Your letter tells me that you know what you want, but your sexual partner remains in the dark. Sexual pain is no fun, and unless you are dating a sadist, your partner would probably rather you feel more “ooohhhs” than “AAHHHs!!”
I have some thoughts about why penis-owners, specifically, hurt their sexual partners during sex. My theory is that it can be attributed to 1) general inconsiderateness, from sexual frenzy or a lack of self awareness or 2) confusion about what women sound like when they’re into it. I blame porn for this one, where women sound like they are screaming for help rather than experiencing orgasmic bliss. But whomever you are having sex with, either person can make assumptions about what the other likes or doesn’t like, based on porn and other media, past experience, or their own preferences.
Regardless, Jalapeno Lady, you need to tell your partner what you want. Not just what hurts and doesn’t hurt, but what you want. You are afraid that expressing your desires will read as a criticism of what your partner is currently doing for you in bed. But try to reframe this fear as an opportunity, and think of it as inviting them into your sexual world. “Babe, I love it when you do ….” sounds a lot more inviting than, “can you freaking stop doing …”!
