Three Times the Fun?
Dear Em and Lil,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We have a great relationship and a very fun and healthy sex life with each other. We're also very open about our sexual desires and from the beginning, we've both known that a threesome (the 2 girl kind) is something we want to do. But we are both a bit awkward and never really knew how we would arrange it. Until recently, when we finally took the plunge and made a couples account on Tinder. We've found a potentially great partner, we've been chatting with her for a couple of weeks and she seems really cool! We're all ready to move forward and meet up. But I'm a bit nervous, this is definitely something I really want to do but I've never been with a girl and I've never seen my boyfriend be with someone else. Any advice for making this big step?!
-Nervous Girlfriend
EM: Okay, Lil. Ready for another round of sexy, sexy questions? I’m fine, and not feeling awkward AT ALL that my relatives may read this! READ AWAY, FOLKS. *Cracks knuckles and rolls training montage*
Nervous girlfriend... you have been with your boyfriend for four years, and are looking to add some spice into your bedroom. You’re feeling both excited and anxious to meet a new sexual partner. Excited for, well, sexy-time, and nervous about a whole host of potential consequences.
Before the advice, it is relevant to note that I have never been in your position before. To answer your question, I consulted a friend who is insightful whilst polyamorous.
Nervous GF, I am sensing some hesitation about moving forward with a threesome. You have already decided what is exciting about this arrangement, but are nervous about the potential consequences. A good approach to quell your fears is defensive pessimism. Take some time to meditate on your fears… really dig into the worst case scenario. Maybe a ghost will interrupt you while lovemaking and critique everyone’s form… idk.
Now, it is time to unpack those scenarios. Consider each outcome and ask yourself, am I cool with this? Perhaps your boyfriend will be very, very attracted to this new lady and focus his erectile attention on her. Are you cool with this outcome? Perhaps your threesome will lack chemistry/competence and turn into a farcical Twister game. Are you cool with this outcome? Perhaps you will find yourself excited by the new lady and less enthused to engage intimately with your man one-on-one. Are you cool with this outcome?
Defensive pessimism will allow you to articulate your concerns as scenarios, consider how you may act defensively in each scenario, and ultimately determine if you would like to move forward. You may very well be cool with the Twister risk. Or, you may decide that it is best to slow things with your lady lover.
To close, my poly friend shared some advice for you and any couple looking to add a third: “Take it slow with a prospective sexual partner. Even though it may feel natural to jump right into sex, take the time to check in with all parties. Meeting up with a new person is a great first step, and don’t be afraid to just leave it there for your first encounter!”
LIL: It’s totally natural to have butterflies about trying something new, let alone a new sex thing! But, I would let go of labeling yourself as awkward. The two of you have been talking to this woman for a couple weeks. That’s a pretty long time in Tinder years. If she didn’t find you interesting, friendly, and attractive, I doubt you’d still be in contact. So give yourself a pat on the back for that. Actually— you’re a couple! You can pat each other on the back!
Let’s talk about your first time with a girl. I’m not going to say that’s not a big deal, BUT I also think the same advice would/should apply with any new partner, not just someone with a new-to-you gender. There are so many things you can do together, and no one way to define sex. The most important thing is to communicate what you like, and invite her to do the same. If you’re unsure how to communicate in bed, practice with your boyfriend.
You also mention being nervous about seeing your boyfriend with someone else. Try not to compare yourself to your new partner, either before or during sex. All three of you are signing up for this to desire and be desired by both the others— it’s not like your boyfriend is holding Girlfriend Tryouts to choose between the two of you. Before you meet up with her, you and your boyfriend can talk about what you are hoping to try, and what you’ve been fantasizing about seeing your partners do. And don’t spare any details! This will help you picture how you’ll have an active role in the threesome, and turn your nerves into excitement.
If you haven’t yet, make sure to talk to your boyfriend about your expectations, and what this new step might mean for you as a couple. If one of you thought this was definitely going to be a one-time experiment, while the other envisioned doing it regularly with the same or different women, you would want to know and talk about it in advance. As long as you are respectfully and openly sharing your assumptions, no one has to feel pressured or ignored. From your question, it sounds like this is a purely sexual thing you want to do as a couple. But if you are actually interested in polyamory, where romantic feelings are welcome, or hooking up with people separately from your boyfriend, then again, make sure your he is open to that to and that you know each other’s limits.
And through all of the preparation you and your boyfriend do together, remember that this involves another person as well. Even though this is something you are planning as a couple, your Tinder woman is a real person too, who deserves to get what she wants out of this situation. Be prepared to be flexible and change your plans depending on her comfort and expectations, as well as your own and your boyfriend’s. All in all, being nervous to try something new doesn’t mean that you secretly don’t want to do it. Trust yourself that you know what you want, and when, and with who.
Have fun!
