Should I be his Rebound?
Dear Em and Lil,
I am in a little bit of a pickle! I was the consistent third wheel of my two best friends during their relationship, let’s call them Joey and Jessica. I watched both of them fall in love with each other. They recently broke up so I've been seeing both of them separately, but see Jessica more since she lives closer to me. I recently got very drunk with Joey and he thought that I was interested in sleeping with him and tried to make a move. I instantly shot him down, told him how close I was with Jess, and went home. He apologized and we are trying to remain friends. But now I can't stop thinking about him like that, since I never have before. I don't want to ruin any friendships, what should I do?!!? Do I tell her? Are these feelings forced?
Sincerely,
Chicks before … you know.
EM: Please, do not sleep with Joey or tell Jessica about his pass at you. This is a vulnerable time for your best friends; they just went through what sounds like an important breakup. If you hook up with Joey, a) you may be exploiting his post-breakup romantic confusion, b) you will majorly sabotage your friendships, and c) you will appoint yourself Joey’s rebound. Joey and Jessica deserve better treatment from you, and you deserve to start a new romance that isn’t tied down with baggage.
I would like you to ask yourself why you want to tell Jessica. She has already split from Joey, and can’t re-break-up with him because of an upsetting new insight. Telling Jess would make her more uncomfortable around you and potentially undermine her memories of good times with Joey. I suspect that you may see yourself in competition with Jessica, whether that is conscious or subconscious. You have a little flame for Joey, but thankfully not a torch that requires you to act. I worry that telling Jessica might be your way of trying to be the ‘hot one’ or take her down a peg.
There are lots of men/humans to choose from on this planet. I hope you find one who isn’t the ex of a beloved friend!
LIL: I’m with Em on this one, Chicks! I think that your sudden feelings about Joey are just a case of romantic hypochondria. Joey coughed near you, and now you’re thinking “oh no, my throat’s a little scratchy too! I think I feel feverish!” When thoughts of Joey pop into your head, give them a little shrug, say, “hm, that’s interesting,” and let them flow right on by. Since you say these current feelings came out of nowhere, I’m guessing that if you stop thinking of Joey as forbidden, you’ll also stop thinking of him as fruit, period.
That doesn’t mean you need to treat Joey like nothing ever happened. You can continue your friendship, but be a little careful. Don’t get drunk together right away, at least if the two of you are going to be alone, because your drunk self can be especially prone to mistake taboo for titillating. And be sensitive to how much you and Joey talk about Jessica and the break up. Supporting a friend is great, but if you become their only source for reassurance, that’s not healthy. If Joey says things like, “you’re the only one I can talk to!” or “no one else understands how this feels,” that may be a sign that you need to take a step back from the friendship for a while. Remember, you can’t get through this break up for him, and you can’t just replace Jessica.
