He Won’t Attach!
Dear Em and Lil,
I've been seeing a guy now for 8 months and I am having a hard time with making him emotionally attached!! The passion/missing me/opening up happens sometimes and then goes away. For example, he texts me daily but doesn't call. Does not ask follow up questions about my day. But sometimes, he will open up and say how much he misses me. What is more important— actions or words? How do I make it more consistent without nagging him all the time! I like him and want to explore this potential.
-Where is the love?
EM: This question is iconic. I have been you, letter writer, and I have advised countless friends in your position. Lillian can tell you all about it... my first boyfriend was utterly indifferent to me, and I responded to his indifference by trying endlessly harder to get his attention.
He wasn’t even a good boyfriend, but I was addicted to the drama and trying to get back into his good favor. “I'll be a better girlfriend, and that’ll do it!” NOPE. “I’ll give him a ton of space, and that’ll do it!” NOPE. “I’ll try to make him jealous, and then he will recognize that I am, indeed, a catch and he has been a dumb idiot this whole time. He will surely change his mind!”
This reminds me of a psych concept called “conditioning.” If you want a rat to press a button, all you have to do is get that button to release a treat. But if you want the rat to go CRAZY pressing that lever, make the button release a treat… some of the time. The rat wants that sweet, sweet treat, and the inconsistency will drive a rat wild. The rat will press the button even more when the promise of a treat is inconsistent.
Turns out that a lot of douchey guys out there have a PhD in behavioral psych. These guys will access their exhaustive knowledge to “neg” women, or intentionally talk down to them with the intention of peaking the lady’s romantic interest. They are treating you like the rat, and making you work hard for your treat (the treat may be a compliment or this behavior is absolutely disgusting… and alarmingly effective.
Let’s bring it home. Letter writer, I don’t think that this dude is negging you. But he certainly is giving you half of what you need, and you are eating that up. His unsatisfactory performance is probably making you more, not less into him. You say you see the potential, but eight months is more than enough time to gather the information you need about what type of boyfriend or husband this guy could be. Based on the information you have (not where you see it going), do you like what you see?
To close it off, I will outsource my advice to British YouTube sensation Matthew Hussey. I hate how much I love this guy and how insightful I think he is, but here you go. Best of luck, and please write back to us with updates!
LIL: You asked, “what is more important— actions or words?” That question can only be answered by you, because it’s different for everyone! You’ve probably heard about the idea of love languages. People express (and recognize when they’re receiving) affection, romantic interest, and emotional closeness in different ways. The guy you’re seeing may be expressing these feelings in his love language, but after going through your inner google translate, it’s in the language of “you’re an unimportant part of my life and I don’t care about you.”
You can ask for the things you need without coming off as a nag. Focus on being clear and specific about what you want, respect what he wants too, and be willing to compromise at times. It’s also worth saying that the term nag often gets thrown at women when they aren’t doing anything wrong, so you might be labeling yourself that way unrealistically. BUT there is one thing you (and anyone!) can do to avoid being naggy. If you don’t like something, tell your guy while he still has the power to change it— not after it’s too late.
I’ll use the example you gave: he texts you but doesn’t call. Well, maybe that proves that he’s emotionally distant, or maybe… he just doesn’t like talking on the phone (and assumes you don’t either.) If that’s of top importance to you, then tell him that you’d like him to call you more. If not, maybe let go of talking on the phone a lot, in favor of types of communication that are more in his wheelhouse, like texting.
But while you can encourage him to modify some of his behaviors, you can’t make someone just be different. Him not asking you follow up questions about your day might be too big of a gap to compromise on. It sounds like either this guy is either a bit of a monologist who doesn’t leave you room to get a word in, or he’s just more content with silence than you. Either way, I’m not sure this relationship is super sustainable. Think carefully about the aspects of this guy that you do like. Is the relationship good enough that it’s worth hanging on even if you have totally different communication styles? Do you feel neglected or resentful after unsatisfying conversations where you don’t get to share? If so, the two of you aren’t compatible and it might be time to move on.
