My Friends Hang Out Without Me!
Dear Em and Lil,
Hey! I have a question. I recently introduced my childhood friends, both male, to a new female friend I made. Now it seems they are talking all the time (not romantically) and even spend time together without me. I once saw them at my apartment complex without telling me. I feel very bothered and did bring it up once but they are still doing it. Am I being possessive or should I distance myself from this situation?
Sincerely,
Left Behind
LIL: I want to affirm that this would feel TERRIBLE, and you are not out of line for being uncomfortable. If I were in this situation, my first instinct would be to one up them in some extreme way. Sneak in through their window and hang out with their pets while they’re not home. Or start a wine tasting club with all of their moms, and see how they feel about that!
When it comes down to it, though, you can’t control how and with whom your friends spend their time, and they don’t owe you just because you were the matchmaker. But what they’re doing also seems pretty inconsiderate, so I would recommend bringing it up to them again. You want them to know that while it may seem silly to them, their hanging out this much without you is hurting your feelings. While they may decide to keep doing what they’re doing, at least they could be a bit more discreet, or make an effort to include you, when they’re, say, in your apartment building.
So, yes, bring it up one more time, but leave it there. You don’t want to turn yourself into a boogeyman— where you were the funny friend or the friend who likes sports, you risk becoming the friend who makes them feel guilty. If this is upsetting you to the point where you don’t want to deal with them anymore at all that’s one thing. But if you want to continue these relationships, you need to decide to enjoy the time you do have together. Instead of focusing on what you’re missing out on, focus on being a good friend. Show interest in their lives, suggest activities to do together, and show up for them when they need help. And make plans with each of them separately as well as with the whole group. This will help you remember that you have individual histories and common interests with them, rather than seeing them as a club that didn’t give you their secret handshake.
EM: Letter writer, my instinct is to answer a firm yes and yes. Yes, you are probably being possessive and also yes, you would benefit from distancing from this bizarre situation.
Let’s start off with my favorite decision making tool: imagining the best-case scenario. If you could control everyone in this situation, what do you most wish would happen? Would the best case be that you drop these three and make all new friends? Would the best case be that your friend group gains a new member and that you four skip off into the distance arm-in-arm? Would the best case be that you four hang out from time to time but you maintain your relationships with each of them separately (ding, ding, ding… I think this one is it!)?
Echoing Lil’s point, I do think that your friends are acting pretty gross. It is rude to exclude you from these get-togethers, and it is bizarre that they keep making plans without your knowledge.
However, I think that you are probably acting from a place of fear and jealousy. In many cases, people are introduced to new friends by old friends. I was introduced to best-friend & fellow columnist Lillian by our friends Josie, Heather and Julia! I want nothing but the best for Lillian, including that she continues to have fulfilling, new friendships. But if I get sucked into a place of jealousy or a mindset of lack, I may want to sabotage Lillian’s friendships to keep my position as official BFF. When I feel secure, I want to set Lillian like a beautiful butterfly who is welcome to mingle with new butter-friends. (Honestly, Lil, I sometimes DO feel jealous of your other friends. #codependence4thewin.)
I encourage you to see your friends as larvae/butterflies. Develop your friendships and create the boundaries that make you feel safe, i.e., “Old friends, please don’t hang out with the people I introduced you to without including me.” But I also encourage you to set your butterflies free so everyone can vibe and make new friends!
