Matchmaker, Matchmaker…

This week, we are joined by our very first special guest, Nili Navot! An educator, artist and writer and observant Jew herself, Nili has also helped make many matches and has successfully coached countless women in finding their soul mate. Thanks, Nili!

Dear Em and Lil,

My question is about love/marriage, but it requires a little extra context first. I am a Hasidic Jew, an unmarried male in my early thirties. According to observant Jewish customs, men and women date with almost the exclusive goal of getting married and having children. As opposed to meeting partners at a bar or on dating apps, we are suggested ‘matches’ that are essentially blind dates. These matches can be made by friends, family, members of the community or even a professional matchmaker. I’ll stop there, but if you are interested in learning more check out this article.

This fall, I spent three months dating a woman who lived across the country. I really started to fall for her! We communicated regularly over text, visited each other’s hometowns, made further travel plans and I started to see her as a woman I could marry.

Things were looking up, and she encouraged me to come visit her over Thanksgiving. I booked all of my travel plans, spending over a thousand on flights and accommodation. Just before my cross-country trip, she called the whole thing off. Instead of speaking to me directly, she used the matchmaker as messenger. I was gutted! I can’t shake the feeling that things are unfinished. 

Is it better to leave it be and move on, or is it appropriate to reach out to the girl and get a reason? Will she give me a reason anyways? If she gives me a reason, why should I believe what she says? Should I call her out for not speaking to me directly?

Sincerely,

Unintentionally Unmarried

EM: Let’s go with the socratic method on this one. (Wait, do observant Jews like Socrates?) Whatever. Letter writer, what do you hope to gain from reconnecting with this woman? Will you feel satisfied if you chat and she remains uninterested in dating? Do you want closure if closure means hearing an unflattering truth?

I agree with you that using a messenger is an insufficient end to a three month long, emotionally intense relationship. I do believe that a breakup should somewhat reflect the intimacy of the relationship; I believe it’s fine to ghost someone you chatted up online, and text someone “let’s not hang out” with whom you went on one date.

Following, it is respectful to end a meaningful relationship with a goodbye that communicates, “It’s not you, it’s me.” But, letter writer, would you be satisfied with a polite yet evasive goodbye? If your answer is No, I would remain stridently unsatisfied, you are not ready to gain anything from a farewell conversation.

Studies show that people being rejected are actually better off with a polite lie than a painful truth. I can’t find any links to these studies, but I pinky promise they exist. White lies allow rejectees to leave with their dignity in tact and the confidence that they can find love again one day. I encourage you, please do not conflate this woman’s rejection with the idea that all women will reject you. She liked you enough to date you for three long months! That says something; she was probably attracted to you and interested in what you have to say. 

Finally, I must tell you that I don’t like this lady. I am struck by the disregard for your time and wallet she demonstrated by cancelling after you planned your travels and not offering you any compensation. Whether or not she meant to hurt you, that is highly selfish behavior. I want you to find a wife who will at best put you first and at the very least not act impulsively and waste people’s money.

LIL: If you do reach out, follow her lead and go through the matchmaker.That’s not the way you would have preferred it, but it sounds like it’s what she’d be most comfortable with.

But before you ask for an explanation, make sure you’re ready to hear it. What if you find out she thought you had some fatal character flaw? Would that keep you up at night— and maybe more importantly, would it make it harder for you to continue on with the matchmaking process (and hopefully even enjoy it!) What if you think her reasoning is untrue or unfair? You need to be prepared that she’ll probably just have the last word, and you won’t have the opportunity to convince her to give you another chance.

The type of grief you feel after a breakup is called ambiguous loss, because you didn’t lose the person all the way— they’re still out there. Reaching out for some kind of explanation will give you closure, which helps with sorting out your emotions during this kind of loss. Before you reach out, make a pact with yourself that you’ll only try once. That way, even if all you get is more silence, you will have written yourself a chapter ending, and created closure for yourself. Really, what you need is time. Don’t force yourself to cheer up or move on too quickly.

NILI: In many ways, when dating in this way, no matter how involved the matchmaker is, things tend to get serious fast. Couples dating in the “shidduch system” most often get engaged well within the three month mark. So to date intensively for this relatively long, and then abruptly break it off— and in the way she did— is in itself a red flag, and I agree with Em that it raises serious concern about her and her character. 

Putting her aside for a moment, I’m a big believer in the importance of clarity and closure. Not necessarily to hear why she ended the relationship, though that might be nagging at you as well. But sometimes, when we feel wronged, the act of expressing that to the other person, whether directly or through an intermediary, provides us with the closure we’re seeking. I would definitely seek this closure, for yourself, because this doesn’t seem like something that would just fade away without some communication around it.

I agree with Lil that communicating with the matchmaker would be the most respectful approach. You can still be a mensch even if she behaved the opposite. 

Another great reason to communicate with her is this idea that the Rebbe often told people who felt blocked in finding their soulmate. He said maybe there was someone in your past who you hurt, or who hurt you. Often right after that issue was resolved, the parties found their respective soul mates. It can’t hurt to seek this clarity and closure so that there will be no residual resentment or blocks for either of you and your future relationships.

One last thought. It’s a stretch, but there may have been a misunderstanding on her end. Maybe she behaved in a reactionary way because she was somehow hurt and therefore tried to hurt you, as a possible test to see your response and how much you truly care about the relationship and are willing to “fight for it.” Yes it’s a little twisted, but maybe she wasn’t actually ending it, but rather wanted to see how much you truly care and want to make an effort for her. I would be open to seeing if this was the case, mostly for your own, but also for her benefit. Maybe she is waiting for you to reach out. And if for no other reason, do it for your own peace of mind. Whatever happens, I’m hoping that will come soon!

Attention matchmakers and matchmakees!

Our letter writer has confirmed that he is very much single and ready to mingle! If you are interested, or know a Hasidic woman who might be, write in to Em and Lil.