From Networking to Dating
Dear Em and Lil,
I am single and recently reached out to a guy I liked in college. I asked to meet to discuss his job over coffee, which he agreed to. There’s no sign of a gf on fb. How do I ask him if he is in a relationship during this convo? Or interested in a date with me?
Sincerely,
Ready to Mingle
LIL: First thing’s first. Are you actually interested in learning about this guy’s job? If so, you have my blessing! It’s perfectly fine for you to go in there with an ulterior motive as long as you have a regular motive too. Just remember that, even though you have romantic feelings towards this guy, this first coffee meet-up isn’t a date, because if it were, he’d know it was too.
While you’re hanging out, you’ll be able to get a feel for whether there’s chemistry, or if you’re even still interested at all. If it’s been a while since you’ve seen each other, it’s possible that you won’t like him anymore (in that case, use the networking intel you gathered to sabotage his career!) If the conversation moves from business to general catching up, you might find out organically that he’s already in a relationship. But, even you don’t know either way, you don’t need to ask him straight out. You can just move on to step 2.
Step 2 happens at the end of your non-date. I was going to just tell you to ask him out, leave it there. But my girlfriend said “I hate when people say, oh you should say something like this! You have to actually come up with an idea of what to say.” (Then, when I did, she said it wasn’t smooth enough… but that is my cross to bear.) Anyways, here is a script you may use if you would like.
Bunter: Well, nice seeing you again.
Kimbo: Yeah, this was super fun! [Kimbo smiles in a flirty way] would you ever… want to go out sometime?
Bunter: Yes! [OR] No thank you!
I’m picturing that you’d be Kimbo in this situation, but maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll be Kimbo! We all know it’s intimidating to be Kimbo sometimes, but remember, without a Kimbo, there’d be no Bunter.
EM: Transforming a networking chat into a date is not a task for the light-hearted. “Do you like your company health care plan” rarely evolves into “wow your forearms are girthy.” But nonetheless, your best bet would be to do the Flirt, Test, and Reassess technique. Make a little move, gauge his reaction and adjust accordingly.
When you lay a hand on his thicc forearm, does he recoil or lean in? If you proclaim your love, does he propose marriage or say he actually is late for his karate lesson? All jests aside, use little flirts as an opportunity to feel him out before you lay too many cards on the table.
Something to keep in mind: try not to meet this guy having already decided that you like him. All that you know about him is based on memories from the distant past. His appearance, personality and outlook on life may have changed in the years you spent apart. You are meeting up to see (not confirm) if you like him, and he is entering this meeting on the false pretenses of networking. Best of luck!
