Intimate Chit Chat
Hello Em and Lil,
I am a younger millennial who has been through some "long" relationships, and now I'm facing a tiny problem in my fairly new relationship. I believe I can call myself my boyfriend’s first serious relationship and I'm having trouble talking to him about SEX, yes sex! Who wouldn't like talking about it, am I right? In my past relationships it was pretty easy and smooth, but unfortunately now when I try to ask something about it (for example "do you not like 69, my dear boyfriend?"), he gets defensive thinking that I'm criticizing or judging him. Either I do not know how to direct questions, or I am asking them at the weirdest times. I just would like to get to know him and what he likes/dislikes in bed. I couldn't come up with a solution, I'd appreciate it if you guys can help me out somehow! (In morse code: ... --- ...)
Sincerely,
Funny Valentine
LIL: It sounds like this is a whole new frontier for your boyfriend! It might help to let him know that you like talking about sex, and it’s a normal part of intimate relationships for you. Right now, he might be thinking the only reason someone would even bring it up is if their partner was doing something wrong.
At the same time, let him get comfortable. I understand wanting to ask him questions and draw him out, but he might just not be quite ready for that yet. Instead of asking “do you not like this?” start by sharing your own thoughts, and maybe don’t expect him to do the same right away. I recommend the Mary Poppins technique of a spoonful of sugar! Start with compliments: what do you like about sex with your boyfriend? What is he especially good at? Also, part of the reason he feels defensive is likely that he is scared of comparisons to your past relationships. For now, focus on talking about what the two of you have done together before, and where you’d like to go next. By focusing on the present and future instead of the past, you can reassure him that he’s not coming up short next to your exes. This isn’t a forever thing, but it will help him get comfortable so that more topics are within the limits in the future.
EM: I have been thinking a lot about relationship ‘cushions’ these days. When you have a strong relationship, you can feel comfortable speaking your mind to your partner. “That shirt looks like kitty vomit” sounds a whole lot nicer when there is relationship cushion (i.e., you have taken the time to affirm the partner throughout the day; the vomit comment is not the first piece of feedback you have given your partner.) Imagine telling a first date that you hate their shirt. You haven’t developed any cushion, or rapport, to make your criticism appropriate. Your criticism sans rapport crossed a boundary, and will likely not see this person for a second date.
While cushion can develop through familiarity, it will diminish when the relationship is strained. “Change your shirt” sounds a lot different in a loving, stable relationship. Think of a compliment, or any loving action, as building your cushion and any criticism, or not-so-loving action as pulling at the cushion’s upholstery.
Lil has already covered how you should approach the conversation with your partner. Thanks, best buddy! So I encourage you to consider the cushion before entering into a dialogue. Is your relationship feeling safe and comfortable these days? Is there lots of room for dialogue, or are you teetering on the edge of a breakup? The more comfortable your dynamic, the less threatening a discussion of sexual preference will appear. If your relationship is feeling shaky, I encourage you to table any non-urgent discussion of sexuality. Focus on building rapport and return to any discussion of sexuality (an inherently touchy subject) at a later date. This will help reduce the likelihood that discussion be mistaken for undue criticism.
