No Response!
Dear Em and Lil,
I met a great guy a couple months ago! We talk every day. I made it clear what I am looking for (a serious relationship) last week, and he went totally distant and didn’t reach out. I asked him about it and he said he felt so off and lazy and not knowing what he wants and that it’s weird for him.
I told him no pressure, and that I want to date him, and to let me know when he can talk. No response after.
What do I do? Does this mean space or are we done? How much time do I give and what do I say? Do I give a time frame by which point I need an answer for whether he wants to pursue something real?
Sincerely,
Waiting
LIL: This guy is not interested in a serious relationship. Of course he’s allowed to not want what you want, but it certainly would have been more mature to tell you directly. Don’t mistake the vagueness of his approach for complexity— you don’t need to waste time decoding or parsing out every word he said. His answer is actually very clear.
In general, I think Em would agree this is more of a pro closure/anti ghosting advice column. But in this situation, you don’t need to wrap things up neatly. Don’t bother with a heartfelt message of “I just think we’re in different chapters, but I have loved getting to know you.” If that got a response out of him, all you’d have learned is that he’s more interested when you’re unavailable. The ball can stay where it is, in his court. He might not even be in his court anymore, so just go ahead and consider it out of bounds (I already regret attempting a sports metaphor.)
I commend you for knowing what you’re looking for, and for bringing it up with him. That takes bravery and self-knowledge. Nothing in your letter makes me think you moved too fast or came off as pushy. You are on the right track to finding the kind of relationship you want.
EM: The most salient part of your letter is the line, “he went totally distant and hasn’t reached out.” Perhaps this guy hasn’t explicitly communicated that he doesn’t want to be with you, but he has made his lack of interest clear. Unfortunately, you can’t negotiate him into liking you back. You can’t water him and sprinkle a plant food packet and wait for his affections to blossom.
Like Lil said, ghosting is an unideal practice. However, I don’t want to focus on shaming your date for his lack of clarity. I want to focus on YOU and help you develop the cunning to foresee a ghosting before it happens (for the record, this early-stage cool off is not a ghosting).
Let’s take this multiple choice question for a ride.
Your date hasn’t reached out after a chill first date. Should you:
Retaliate. Leave him a voicemail to let him know that YOU are no longer interested, and frankly, were too hot for him all along.
Move on with your fine self. If he happens to call again, you will take stock and decide if you want to go again. But you will cross that bridge when you come to it.
Ask him on a date. If he is busy, suggest another time. You are a flexible lady!
DM him to remind him of all of your positive attributes. Follow that up with a DM to his ex girlfriend and a handwritten letter to his mom.
What is the correct answer? 2! 3 was the decoy answer; it may seem empowering to take the situation into your own hands and ask him out. But when the other person takes a major step back, it is not the time to step forward. Sure, you may be able to keep him, but it will put you into the begging mode. You are better off finding someone who is excited and ready to move your relationship forward.
